Seventeen Pots of Hydrangeas Chapter 2

Mark booked a hall for Noah's sip-and-see and invited close to forty people.

Mom had been getting ready since early morning.

She put on a new burgundy coat and had Mark drive her out to get her hair done.

When she came back, she stood in front of the mirror admiring herself from every angle.

"You look great today, Carol," Mark said.

She beamed.

"Of course I do. It's my grandson's sip-and-see. His grandmother has to look presentable."

Then she saw me in the mirror.

Her smile faded.

"You should fix yourself up too. Put on something decent. Don't go looking like you just finished crying."

I opened my closet.

The last sweater without formula stains had a stretched-out neckline.

"That's what you're wearing?"

Mom looked me over and turned away.

"Whatever. Wear what you want. It's not as if anyone's looking at you."

The hall was full of relatives and friends.

Mom carried Noah from group to group.

"Look at our little boy. Doesn't he look just like his dad?"

"He's so healthy. You're raising him well."

"Of course I am."

Mom laughed loudly.

"I've been the one taking care of him since he was born. His mother isn't well and can't manage much. I know exactly how much he drinks, when he sleeps, when he's had his shots — everything."

The relatives praised her.

"You've worked so hard."

"Tell me about it."

Mom sighed, dropping her voice just enough to sound private while making sure the whole circle could still hear.

"I had a perfectly comfortable life back home, but I had to come out here. If I didn't love that boy, why would I put myself through it?"

I sat in the farthest corner and picked at my plate.

Judy, Mark's aunt, came over with a glass in hand and patted Mom on the shoulder.

"You're lucky, Carol. Mark's wonderful to you."

"Absolutely."

Mom handed Noah to Mark and looked at him with satisfaction.

"My son-in-law's a hundred times more dependable than my daughter. Good money, good to his family. Nina got very lucky."

Mark smiled.

He didn't disagree.

He didn't look at me.

Susan, seated at the head table, joined in.

"Mark really does have it hard. He works all day, then comes home and has to settle the baby and the grown-up."

The grown-up.

She meant me.

My fingers tightened around my fork.

Beth, who was married to Mark's cousin Danny, sat down beside me and asked quietly, "How are you recovering? You don't look well."

I'd just opened my mouth when Mom's voice came across the room.

"What could possibly be wrong with her? She eats my food, lives under my roof, doesn't have to worry about the baby, and somehow she's still the tired one."

Beth gave me an awkward smile and stopped asking.

Then Noah started crying.

Mark couldn't settle him.

Mom was halfway through a conversation across the room.

I stood without thinking and reached out.

"I'll take him —"

Mom crossed the floor, lifted him out of Mark's arms, and turned so my hands closed on nothing.

"I've got him. Don't touch him. Your hands are cold."

Then she smiled at the people nearest her.

"He cries harder when she holds him. Maybe babies can sense things."

Several of them laughed.

My hands stayed up in the air for a second, and then I lowered them.

I went back to my seat.

Everyone crowded around my child.

Mom laughed the loudest.

Mark played along.

Susan sent someone out for more food.

Everyone in that room seemed to belong to my son.

Except me.

I stood up.

"Mom."

She was passing a tray to Judy.

She turned, still smiling.

"You keep telling everyone I can't do anything. Have you ever once asked me?"

Her smile disappeared.

The room went quiet.

Mom's face slowly hardened.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I have postpartum depression. I'm not useless."

My voice shook, but I kept going.

"I take care of him too. I warm bottles at night. I change him. I rock him to sleep. You just don't see it."

Every eye turned toward me.

Mom's eyes filled instantly.

She set her glass down hard enough to rattle the table.

"So that's what this is. I leave my own home and come out here to take care of you, and in return you humiliate me in front of the entire family?"

"I'm not humiliating —"

"You are!"

She stood, her voice rising.

"Everyone listen to this. What am I doing all of it for? I had a good life back home and I came out here to be her servant. And now she's angry at me for caring too much."

Her lips trembled.

"The greatest regret of my life is giving birth to her."

The air froze.

All I could hear was my heartbeat.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Under the table, Mark grabbed my wrist hard enough to hurt.

"Enough."

He spoke through clenched teeth.

"Sit down."

Mom covered her face and began crying.

Susan hurried over with tissues.

"Please don't be upset, Carol. Nina doesn't know what she's saying. I'll apologize for her."

Judy rubbed Mom's back and glared at me.

"Do you have any idea how much your mother has sacrificed for you? How could you embarrass her in front of everyone?"

Aunt Lorraine shook her head.

"It's understandable to be emotional after a baby, but you can't take it out on your own mother."

No one asked me anything.

Not one person asked why.

Mom's crying grew louder.

Everyone comforted her.

I stayed in the corner with red marks on my wrist from Mark's fingers.

He'd already let go.

Now he stood with a drink in his hand, smiling at the room.

"Sorry, everyone. She's been unstable lately. I'll talk to her when we get home. Come on — today's supposed to be a happy day."

His smile was flawless.

As if the last few minutes had never happened.

When it was over, I stood outside the hall holding Noah's little jacket.

Mom came out.

Her tears had already dried.

She passed me without stopping.

"You embarrassed me today. You'll answer for that."

Mark came behind her with one arm around her shoulders.

He never looked back at me.

I stood at the entrance with the jacket against my chest.

I lifted it and breathed in.

It still smelled faintly of milk.

And I was already losing the chance to hold my own child.